by Margaret McHeyzer
Published: February 19, 2014
My uncle abused me.
I was 10 years old when it started.
At 13 he told me I was no longer wanted because I had started to develop.
At 16 I was ready to kill him.
Today, I’m broken.
Today, I only breathe to survive.
My name’s Sergeant Major Ryan Jenkins and today, I’m ready to tell you my story.
“Master would flog me if I did, she won’t be happy when I tell her what happened here.”
by Margaret McHeyzer
Published: February 19, 2014
My rating: 4 of 5 ⭐️
Tormented by recurring images of horrific childhood sexual abuse by an uncle, Sergeant Major Ryan Jenkins manages as a functioning member of society and a good father. Barely. Having tried marriage at a young age, he couldn't find what he needed and it ended in an amicable divorce. Now single, Ryan has few close personal connections, except to his lifelong friend Mason, but even he knows nothing of the demons that continue to haunt Ryan.
When Ryan joins Mason at a social event and meets his date Stella, she has an immediate impact on him. His already conflicting emotions become even more clouded when he finds himself both attracted to his friend and inexplicibly drawn to his friend's date. But what completely stuns him is Mason's response to Stella.
Ryan realizes the darkness from his past is threatening to overtake him, when Stella, who seems able to see right through him, offers to help him find relief from his mental anguish. Under her guidance he feel safe enough for the first time, to let go of the secrets that have haunted him.
Margaret McHeyzer tackles some heavy material and dares to walk some fine lines in this novel. Although not the first book I've read where BDSM has been the catalyst for the release of years of torment and psychological damage by childhood trauma, it certainly is the most detailed and singularly focused one.
Ryan has never disclosed his devastating sexual abuse experiences as a child and therefore relives not just the memories, but the emotions at the slightest trigger. Already feeling damaged, he is further conflicted when he finds himself physically attracted and responding to his best friend. He is at a complete loss and barely knows himself, when Stella offers to guide him through discovery to clarity, in return for trust and submission.
Although the story was heart-wrenching and very compelling, I found myself very much a clinical observer, never quite fully engaged. Part of me was missing a fuller context for each of the three main characters, even Ryan, who other than his very damaged side, seemed to have very little to give him shape. Mason, his friend, obviously has issues of his own that are alluded to but never quite explored - and Stella, other than her role as Master, appears to have no background.
It's like watching a movie against a blank setting..... The acting is phenomenal, the story fabulous, but you can't help but wonder - where are they? WHO are they?
I have to caution; this book contains very disturbing descriptions of childhood abuse that could be shocking and painful to read. The strong theme of BDSM also needs to be considered, although it has a 'healing' effect in this story, the extent of sexual boundaries crossed may not be comfortable for everyone, and be prepared to cross a boundary or two....three...or more.
✨A haunting, lustful and impassioned surrendering of trust.✨
**ARC provided in return for an honest review.**
I startle awake as I leap off the bed and sprawl on the floor.
“Ry!” Mason yells from the other side of the door. I jump up off the floor and swing the bedroom door open.
“You scared the shit out of me, Mason.” I run my hand over my eyes and face trying to wake up. “What do you want, man?” But I’m met with silence. When I look over at Mase, he’s staring at my body. He’s mouth’s open and his eyes are so wide. He rakes his stare down my body, then back up again. He lifts an eyebrow as he ogles me. I look down and notice I’m completely naked. I fell asleep on my bed with just the towel wrapped around me and he scared me with his bashing that now I’m standing before him totally exposed.
He’s not moving away, and neither am I.
“Mason.” I lower my voice as he looks up at me and just stares.
He can see straight through me, totally bare and open, for him to see all my secrets.
“We need to leave in an hour,” Mase says as he takes a step closer to me.
I can feel his heat, and my body instantly reacts to him.
Don’t be a coward Ryan, just reach out and touch him.
His brown eyes turn from a hard brown into a molten chocolate as we stand a mere step apart from each other.
Our breathing is labored and rapid.
Mason reaches forward and brings his hand up to my chest, but before he touches me, hisdemeanor changes and he retracts it, dropping it beside his body.
“I can’t,” he whispers as he turns away from me and goes into his bedroom.
My head spins as I close my door and stand completely ashamed in my room.
He doesn’t want me.
Why would he?
I've found that the more I write, the more I like being different to other authors. I write in first person, and I love to challenge a reader.
I take the normal and switch it around.
For me, I really enjoy getting a reaction from a reader. So if I can evoke an emotion (regardless of if it's the emotion the reader wants) then I figure that I've done my job as an author I want to be.
I really quite revel in taking people out of their comfort zones and pushing them to read something different.
My genre of writing is, well quite frankly, where ever my mind goes. I won't label myself because I don't like sticking to one genre.
My goal with writing is just to take people away from whatever is going on in their lives, even if it's only for a split second.
I'm a go with the flow sort of person and don't really take a course of action to get where I am going. I live in the moment and don't usually worry about tomorrow because whatever life is due to bring me, I'll be happy to accept.
I love my family and friends and will help anyway I can if someone needs it. I really don't like people that are nasty just because they can be, I don't believe that's necessary, I mean life's hard enough as it is!
I hope you enjoy my books, I've had a hoot writing them. There's more to come.....
Til next time.
Margaret is giving away:
(4) $5 Amazon gift cards, and
(4) electronic Amazon copies of "Yes, Master".